Upheaval

Once upon a time I was an optimist. A person who woke up every morning and listened to the song “Happy Girl” by Martina McBride and made it my personal theme song. It was easy for me to find something to smile about, to be grateful for, to look forward to. I felt good about who I was as a person and how I spent my time. I didn’t generally worry too much about what people thought about me or what I looked like or what I weighed or what I owned. I was 15-16 years old, my mom was dying of cancer and I was scared of so many things. But I was content.

Some people might say that I was naive. That I was in denial about my mom’s illness and the reality that she would die. Some might say that I was spoiled... I wasn’t worried about what I owned because I’d been given so very much. I wanted for nothing. And those things are likely partial truths. I was naive. I was spoiled. I don’t think I was in denial about Mom. In fact, I think when it came to the reality of my mom’s situation I was soaking her up. Yes, I was insulating myself from the pain sometimes by being overly “up” and by immersing myself in social activities, both at school and at church. And yes, I developed a mask of false strength that was so often hiding the pain and fear that I felt. And that wasn’t healthy. But now, nearly 13 years after her death, when I look back at myself as a whole- I was a content person who was fairly secure in myself and who I was. And maybe that was a result of what we were going thru with Mom. I think it was a result of really great parenting by my Mom and Dad. And I think it is what helped me get thru the loss of Mom and subsequent family issues without losing my sanity.

Over the last year, especially over the last 4 or 5 months, I’ve become a discontent person. I don’t like myself. I don’t feel sure of myself about ANYTHING. I’ve become lackadaisical about life in general. Kyle put it pretty succinctly the other night when he told me that I’ve “stopped living.” It is probably not inaccurate to say that I’ve been struggling with depression. I’ve lost my ability to even look for the bright side of things let alone to actually see it. I have lost my passion for anything and everything. My biggest and most constant struggle for my entire life- including the content and happy years- has been laziness. If I don’t want to do something, I don’t. If I think it’s going to be boring, un-fun or tiring.... well, I put it off. (That spoiled-ness from my childhood has reared it’s ugly head in my adulthood.) And in my discontent and depression that laziness has become more than just a struggle. It has CONSUMED me. And it’s fed my feelings of worthlessness and depression. It’s been a vicious cycle that has started to hurt my family and put tremendous strain on my marriage.

Something has to change. I need an upheaval. I need a jump start, a shock to my system. The cycle MUST be broken before irreparable damage is done.

Kyle has always had a strong desire for simplicity. I’ve often joked that if he hadn’t married me, Kyle would be content to live in a cardboard box, eating wild edible plants off the side of the road. I have always liked the idea of simplifying things.... but I also really like stuff. And Kyle and I both grew up with the idea of the American dream and the seemingly ingrained idea that being a grown-up means owning a house, filling it with pretty things and working hard to upgrade that status as soon as possible. When we bought our house in Portland we felt so adult. We didn’t NEED that house. We absolutely loved the apartment we were in... but buying a house was the next logical step. And we LOVED our townhouse in Portland. It was the “responsible” thing to do. And when we moved to Texas we kept right on with the forward progression. We were making more money, living in an area with a lower cost of living than OR and had a new baby on the way... so we bought a bigger house. And we bought new furniture. And we spent A LOT of money. And as our kids have gotten older and time has passed we have continued to spend money and to fill this house up with stuff. Too much stuff.

Add in my laziness and depression.... this house and all of the stuff in it is OUT OF CONTROL. Our family is the embodiment of the statement, “The more stuff you own, the more your stuff owns you.”

Something has to change. We need an upheaval, a jump start, a shock to the system. The cycle MUST be broken before irreparable damage is done.

Kyle and I have both had a strong passion for the people of Africa. Nearly 7 years ago my heart was captivated by the plight of the people there.... HIV/AIDS, malaria, hunger, poverty and death. We decided to be helpful in the ways we could. We started sponsoring a little Ugandan girl thru World Vision. We became members of the ONE Campaign. We started donating to Oxfam. And when Kyle took his current job with Immeasurably More we saw an even greater opportunity to help. The resources were there to take others. And so in the space of a year Kyle took 2 trips to Africa. One was a scouting trip to Kenya, Uganda and Rwanda. And the second was back to Kenya with 9 others. They worked with dying mothers in Kibera slum. They took care of abandoned babies, many who had HIV. My husband came back a changed man. He struggled with accepting the affluence and the wealth we have. He was overwhelmed with it all and didn’t know where to start to make personal changes. It’s been a struggle for him for nearly 4 years. And I confess that I didn’t help with this struggle. I was dealing with my own jealousy that I was unable to go to Africa on either trip... and so I didn’t really want to hear about his experience there. And there is simply no way that I could completely understand what he experienced, how he was changed. And so I selfishly resisted any change. In doing so, I smothered my own passion for the people of Africa. I squelched my own feelings about it because I was too weak and immature and selfish.

Lately though, I’ve been able to see my immaturity and selfishness for what it was. And I’ve felt that stirring in my heart to be more, to do more. And I’ve been able to start to let go of my jealousy and to recognize the struggle that my husband has been going through. A struggle that has everything to do with our material possessions and how we manage them.

Christmas is coming up. And with it come all the advertisements about perfect gifts and all of the pressure to buy, buy, buy. And to want, want, want. And I find myself slipping into old habits of wanting and buying. And not just for myself but for Darby and Sutton. And as I type they are fighting over toys and not cleaning up the mess they made. A huge mess because they have SO MUCH STUFF to get out. And so it is SO MUCH STUFF to pick up.

Something has to change. We need an upheaval, a jump start, a shock to the system. The cycle MUST be broken before irreparable damage is done.

So what this all comes down to is this: Kyle and I are done talking about changing. We’re done talking about simplicity. We’re ready to start acting. I love history and biography. I was reading about Theodore Roosevelt some time back. When he was going through a rough time in his life- his wife had died- he struggled not to be consumed by grief & depression. He took as his personal motto a saying that was a staple of the Roosevelt family- “Get action!” Well, I am finally, FINALLY ready to take action. I must be fair to my husband- my precious, everlastingly patient husband- and say that he’s been ready to take action for a long, long while. He’s just been waiting for me to be ready to do something, to do anything. And I am happy to say, if a little nervous about it, that I am ready. So, so, so ready.

As we’ve approached Thanksgiving this year I’ve been struggling to be thankful. Struggling to find a reason to laugh everyday. But over the last week I’ve managed to at least poke a hole in the fog of gloom I’ve been stuck in. I’ve been blessed with an amazing family. I was raised by 2 amazing parents. My sister is my best friend and I get to live in the same town as she does. She married a great guy who was already one of mine and Kyle’s best friends so now we get to call him brother. I am blessed by the sweetest stepmom a girl could ask for. I was blessed to get 3 brothers when I was already practically grown. And those 3 brothers brought 3 awesome sisters-in-law into my life who are all very dear friends. Kyle’s family is tons of fun and has accepted me with love and grace and we enjoy each other and get along with each other and respect each other. I know what a blessing and a rarity it is to be able to say that about one’s in-laws. I have 5 adorable nieces and 1 precious nephew I get to love on and who will be great cousins and playmates to my kids. I have my own extended family- cousins and aunts and uncles whom I’m so blessed to have close relationships with and call my friends. I have friends who are as close to me and dear to me as my actual family. Friends who have stood by my side thru the hardest and the happiest moments of my life.

And I have Darby. Darby, my firstborn, who first taught me what unconditional love felt like. Darby, who astounds me with her intelligence, her memory and her curiosity. Darby who inherited her Daddy’s love of learning and the outdoors. Darby who sees so much and is so wise already. She makes me realize everyday just how much there is to learn in every aspect of life... because she’s always, always learning.

And I have Sutton. Sutton, my little man, who has the ability to make me choke on my laughter even while I’m so mad at him or frustrated with him (a trait he inherited from his Daddy). Sutton, who has the ability to have hours of fun with just one little toy car, and has taught me how few things we really need to have joy in life. Sutton, whose sense of adventure and mischievousness have forced me out of my laziness- sometimes in good ways... sometimes in bad ones.

And I have Kyle. Kyle, who makes me laugh harder than anyone I’ve ever known. Kyle, who encourages me to think harder and deeper, to step outside of my comfort zones and all the boxes I’ve built for myself to see things in new ways. Kyle, who is always seeking to learn and to grow. Kyle who knows me inside & out, good & bad, pretty & ugly (sometimes REALLY ugly) and still wants me around. Still loves me when I am, at times, so very unlovable.

I need to shed the excess. WE need to shed the excess. So, we’re taking steps. We’re in the process of getting rid of A TON of our stuff. Selling it. Donating it. Just plain trashing the trash. It’s been weighing us down for so very long. I’ve been drowning in it. And none of it is necessary. We’re hoping to be able to sell our house by this coming summer. It’s too big. It costs a lot of money and time to maintain. And we don’t need it. We don’t even want it anymore. Our hope is that once we shed the excess we’ll be able to spend our time focusing on what really matters to us- spending quality time with each other, having the time and the resources to help others without feeling like we’re shirking other responsibilities, teaching our kids that life’s not about what we own but about how we love other people.

We know this is extreme. And we know that this isn’t the right decision for everyone. Heck, even 6 months ago this wasn’t the right choice for us. In a year or 2 or 10 it may not be the right choice anymore. But right now it is. It’s our upheaval, our jump start, our shock to the system. And while I have my fears about this road we’re starting on and know that it won’t be easy and that it will be a lot of work, I am filled with more hope and excitement than I have been in a long time.

We’d appreciate your prayers as we start this journey.