mother's day

Usually Mother's Day is a day that is hard for me. A day that I allow myself to really feel my mother's absence. After all, for weeks leading up to this Sunday every year I've been inundated with commercials and television shows and radio ads all talking about the best way to show your mother you appreciate her. And that's not always a lot of fun when your mom isn't physically around to be appreciated. So, in the past, I've used Mother's Day as a day to remember Mom. To think back to all the lessons she taught me, the fun times we had together and the strength and faith she had all her life, but particularly during her illness. As can be expected, this tends to make me a little sad. Because this makes me wish she were here.

Six years ago on Mother's Day, I found myself weeks away from becoming a mother myself (though it should have only been days... Darby decided to make her entrance 10 DAYS LATE). And the dynamic of Mother's Day started to change for me. That year, I was scared to death and, to be honest, a little angry that my own mom wasn't there to help me do this. It didn't make sense to me that I could become a mother without my own mother. Then, 19 days later, Darby Gail was born. And my whole world changed...

While I missed my mom so very much the day Darby was born I was also so overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with love for this perfect little angel who had already completely filled my heart with so much emotion. Overwhelmed with gratitude for the effort my mom had made just to bring me into the world- 25 hours of labor isn't easy! The good and happy emotions were just too good and too happy for me to be very sad. And that in itself was an overwhelming and beautiful thing.

Over the next year of learning to be a mom I found myself wishing for my mom in new ways. And while sometimes that made me sad I was mostly just grateful. Grateful that I was having this experience with a daughter of my own. It has made me feel connected to my mom in a whole new way. It's made me appreciate her so much more. And it's made me wish I could apologize and show her my gratitude in person. Apologize for making her work so hard and thank her for loving me anyway. :)

On my first Mother's Day as a mother, Kyle and our family of friends in Portland made me feel so amazingly special and loved. It was a beautiful day. And it was the first Mother's Day in 9 years that I didn't wallow in my tears and sadness. I missed my mom- so much- and I did cry some. But I wasn't overwhelmed with it all. And, I apologize if this sounds selfish, I think it's because it wasn't about my mom or even about my own feelings anymore. It was about the fact that I was a mom. That there was now this precious little girl who I had given birth to and I (with Kyle, of course) was responsible for bringing up in the world.

A year and half later, my heart doubled in size and feeling when my Sutton was born...

And I found myself in that same limbo of missing my mother so much I could taste it and being overcome with joy and gratitude that I was being given this experience again in a whole new way with a son. A son who looks so much like my mom that it's a bit eerie sometimes. He has her eyes and her smile. Sutton is a whole new and different and amazing connection to my mother. And he has been a whole new, different and amazing adventure in parenting. :)

Yes, over the last 6 years my Mother's Day experiences have changed. I appreciate my own mom so much more than I ever knew was possible. And I also find myself overwhelmed with gratitude to any woman who has or is mothering right now. It's an amazing, never-ending journey. One that I'm so blessed to be a part of.

I can't lie. I'm missing my mama today more than I do the other 364 days of the year. My little sister, Rachel, is having her 1st Mother's Day today, as an expectant mommy. In October she'll give birth and start this adventure too. And I find myself not understanding how we can be at this place in life and not have our Mom with us.

But I'm also so glad. Glad that Rachel and I live in the same town and I get to be around when she becomes a mom. That I get to witness it all. That we're going to be moms together. I know Mom would have loved that.

Today, while I'm sad, I'm also glad. Glad to be a mom. Glad that my mom was the amazing mom she was. Glad to be surrounded by so many family members and friends who are wonderful mothers that I learn so much from. And I am SO SO SO GLAD for Kyle, who helps me be a better mom by being such an awesome dad, and for Darby and Sutton who make being a mom the best job a girl could ask for.

Happy Mother's Day!