gratitude

My mind has been in overdrive for the last day or so.  Life is just full of so many ups and downs and surprises.  And that always gets me thinking incessantly.

We learned yesterday that a dear friend of Kyle's dad's passed away unexpectedly.  I only spent a handful of hours with Terry.  But that was enough to know what an awesome man he was.  My heart is hurting for his 3 kids and his wife.  Selfishly, my heart is breaking for Kyle, Krista and Kara.  They lost their dad when they were so young and Terry was one of the precious links they had to Mark.  And now Terry's gone as well and I know in some ways it feels like Kyle, Krista and Kara are losing another piece of their dad and their childhood.

This just adds to the sense of sadness & bittersweet nostalgia that hovers around me at this time of year.  I won't be all morose or melancholy... that's not really what I'm feeling right now.  Mostly, I'm feeling a sense of urgency to be more proactive in my relationships.  To be more grateful for the beauty in my life.  It would be so easy to look back over my short 28 years of life and see only the pain and hurt and sadness and darkness.  And there has been plenty.  And there will be more.  That's the way life works.  But there is also so much beauty and love and joy and light.

I have days where I feel that I'm too young to have lost so many people that I love, to have been to so many funerals of loved family members and friends, to be able to visit a cemetery plot where my mom, aunt and grandparents are buried and my sweet cousin Neal will be memorialized.  And there are days when that all hurts so much that I can't breathe.  Honestly though, the last several times I've been out to that cemetery plot I've felt such joy.  What a legacy of love, strength, and faith I've been left by these people.  How wonderful the years I had with them were.  What an awesome family they all helped to create.  My last visit was with my sister, 3 of my cousins and my aunt (my mom's sister).  We were having an extremely lovely and fun weekend together.  As we stood looking at the markers for Mom, Aunt Jana and Grandpa and Grandma and discussed ways that we could honor Neal, there was such a mixture of emotions.  Sadness that we were having this Massie girls' weekend and Mom and Aunt Jana weren't there.  Bewilderment that this is a legitimate family outing now (how many families can say that?). But mostly there was joy and gratitude.  While the losses still sting and sometimes burn, we are all closer for it.  I cherish my Massie family so much more because of the loss and the pain that we all share.  Our times together feel richer.

I could honestly write for hours about the ways losing my mom has impacted my life.  In a lot of ways it is the event in my life that has shaped me the most.  I would even say more than becoming a wife or a mother.  I know that may sound dramatic or exaggerated.  But I believe it is true.  I've spent countless hours looking at the blessings and the hardships of the 13 months of Mom's cancer and the following 12 years (and counting) of grief and mourning.  And sometimes I ask myself if I would go back and trade it all to have Mom here now.  It may seem calloused to say, but I don't know how to answer that question.  There was a time where I would have quickly and easily answered, "YES!  None of the good that's occurred in my life since she died, none of the happiness was worth losing her.  Bring her back NOW."  Time and growth have given me a different lens to look through now.  And I don't know.  I don't want to know what life without my stepmom, my 3 brothers, my 3 sisters-in-law and my 3 nieces would look like.  They are so much a part of my heart now.  They are TREMENDOUS blessings to me that I would not have had my mom not died.  I feel confident that the choices made that led me to Kyle and thus to our kids would not have been made had my mom not died.  And Kyle, Darby and Sutton ARE my heart and my life.  There is NOTHING I would trade for my family.

It would be easy to dwell and make a victim of myself because of the painful things that have happened in my life.  And there are days, sometimes weeks, where that is exactly what I do.  But I want to live a life of gratitude.  I want to live a life that shows my kids that there is beauty in pain and loss.  That there is always joy to be found, peace to be had and people who will love them no matter what.  I want them to know that it's appreciation of the good things in our lives and recognition of the beauty all around us that makes the pain and darkness survivable, if not always bearable.  I want them to know that while life can suck... it is also beautiful.

I would ask that you say a prayer for the Simpson family today.  And for my precious husband and his sisters.  Thank you so much.

a growing boy

On November 16 my sweet boy turned 3. I cannot believe that Sutton is so big and so old! These past 3 years have gone so quickly. My baby is not a baby anymore. :(

Sutton is the most energetic, joyful, silly little guy. He is the very definition of boy. He LOVES cars and dinosaurs and monsters and trains and anything scary. He runs around the house growling and roaring all day. He's always asking Kyle, Darby or me to "bear fight" with him... which really means that he wants us to let him knock us down. :) He takes immense pleasure in destruction... so he's always tearing things, knocking things down and generally seeing how much trouble he can get into. (Sutton has completely redefined exhaustion in our house. :) ) Kyle and I were laughing just tonight about how Sutton's goal in life is to be something scary when he grows up. He'll say, "When I grow up I'll be a scary dragon." Or "I'm going to be a spooky ghost when I'm a grown up." He's been pretty fascinated with growing up and what all that means. Occasionally he gets confused and says things like, "I'll be in your tummy when I'm a grown up." Which makes us all laugh and then he'll say, "No, that's silly. I'm so silly!"

While Sutton is definitely in the phase of growing up where he's testing us to see what he can get away with and where the boundaries are he's also the most loving, cuddly boy. He loves to sit on our laps and will just walk up and give you a hug for no reason. If we're reading a book or watching a movie together he has to be touching us. He tends to drive Darby a little crazy because he always wants to sit as close to her as he can... which sometimes means he tries to sit ON her. Sutton and Darby are developing such a sweet relationship with each other. When we pick Darby up from school Sutton will ask, "How was your day Darbs? What did your teacher teach you today?" After answering, Darby always asks Sutton how his day was and what he did. I've been impressed lately that he seems to be able to recall in accurate order the things he's done and what he liked about it. His teachers at preschool tell us that Sutton is an extremely intelligent boy and that he has boundless energy... these are things we already knew of course. :)

Sutton is a talker and everlastingly curious so I spend a good portion of everyday answering questions. He's been very curious about Darby's process of learning to read, write and spell so his favorite thing to ask lately, though he has no way of understanding the answer yet, is how to spell words. Or he'll list a random string of letters out and ask what they spell. "What does B, R, P, N, A spell?" So funny and precious.

Sutton brings so much joy and energy to everyday and keeps this mama on her toes. I cannot imagine how boring life would be without Sutton Button making us laugh and keeping us running. :) It truly is amazing how much love and laughter he's added to our family. How very blessed we are!

Happy birthday, Sutton Edward! We love you beyond measure!

Tresses

Darby is- in my very biased opinion- the most beautiful little girl EVER. Over the 5 years of her life we've taken quite a journey with her hair. For the longest time it just didn't really grow.

July 2005, 14 months old

July 2006, 2 years

May 2007, 3 years

Then, all of a sudden, her hair began to grow...

May 2008, 4 years

and grow....

May 2009, 5 years

For the past year we have had the most fun playing with Darby's hair. French braids, ponytails, pigtails, buns. It's been a blast. For the past several weeks we've been talking about getting Darby's hair trimmed, the ends were getting pretty dry and unhealthy and it was getting difficult to do quickly. I'd been putting it off and putting it off because I couldn't bear the thought of touching scissors to the beautiful hair we'd waited so long for.

This past Sunday, Kyle and Darby were talking about her hair and how fast it had grown. Darby, on her own initiative, told Kyle, "I want to cut my hair and give it to people with cancer like my Grandma Gail." The 3 of us spent a while talking about what that meant and how short we'd have to cut her hair in order to donate it. I won't lie, I think Kyle and I were both kind of trying to talk her out of it. But Darby was determined. So, yesterday after school Darby and I went to Pigtails & Crewcuts for more than just the little trim I'd been trying to talk myself into.

before

during

after

She looks adorable! And so much older! The ladies at the salon were all so impressed with Darby. And Kyle and I couldn't be more proud. When the stylist cut off Darby's ponytail and showed it to her, I was a little worried about her reaction. Darby's eyes got really wide and she looked a little shocked. Then she giggled and on we went! In the car on the way home I was saying that the best thing about hair is that it always grows back (I was soothing myself more than Darby!). Darby responded, "Yep! It'll grow back and then we'll donate it again and it'll grow back and then we'll donate it again! We'll get to help so many people!" What a sweetie!

Today I'm mailing the 1st of what I'm sure will be many envelopes to Locks of Love. I'm so proud of my sweet, generous and loving little girl. I'm glad that she knows and loves her Grandma Gail so much, even though they never met. I've no doubt at all that my mom loves sweet Darby Gail just as much!