Tomorrow I will be thirty years old. I don't feel old. I'm not having any kind of identity crisis or depression. Or any of the things that are so often associated with the reaching of this milestone in life.
I do feel very nostalgic and reflective. The last decade of my life has been so very, very life altering. It all began on my 20th birthday, when I stood next to a flashlight fire at Pine Springs, looking down at my best friend and the love of my life perching on one knee asking me to marry him. It was, by far, the easiest decision I have ever made when I said, "YES!" And that easy, easy decision was the best and most right decision I've made to date. It did, however, lead to some of the hardest decisions I've ever made in my life. Good decisions. Right decisions. A few wrong ones. None that I regret. Because they've all lead me to where I am right now. A wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend with thirty years of adventure, heartache, laughter, tears, anger, happiness, learning, achieving, failing, persevering and thriving behind me. I wouldn't take back a single second of it.
During this last decade of my life I feel that I have, I hope that I have, grown up a lot. I know that I still have a lot of growing to do. What I mean is that I feel like I have come into myself more. Established my own beliefs. My own convictions. My own opinions. Not on any one issue in particular- on so very many issues. I feel more confident in my own ability to think, discern, decide. I've been learning, am learning still, how to admit when I'm wrong and own my mistakes. I've spent time coming to the realization that I don't know everything and that the world is SO MUCH BIGGER than my small eyes can see or my small mind can comprehend. And that's been so humbling and so healthy for me. My children have taught me that I have a larger capacity for patience and forgiveness and love than I ever knew possible.... and that it can never be large enough. My husband has helped me to learn that I can laugh even when I'm roiling with anger, that I'm stronger than I've ever given myself credit for, that I don't have to win every argument, that life can be more than just living- it can, and should be, a tremendous adventure.
Instead of feeling old, I'm struck by how young I am. When my mom turned thirty she'd been married for 6 years, I was 2 months old and she had 16 years left to live. Yet, here I sit, married for 9.5 years, listening to my seven-year-old daughter and four-year-old son play and argue (though mostly they're playing :). My Grandma Massie lived to be 85 years old and though her body was old and frail her spirit was never anything but young and feisty. It's a strange juxtaposition that makes me realize how short life is... and how much of it there still is to live. I never want to take a single minute for granted. I never want to stop learning and growing.
I look forward to this next decade. More vacations & adventures. More ordinary, average days. More anniversaries and birthdays. More unknowns. More learning. More decisions. More failures. More laughter. More arguments. More happiness. More loss. More growth. More life. May I never fail to appreciate each and every moment.
